Disappointing myself

A few days after I posted part 1 of my Vegas trip, I had the “opportunity” to fly to the East Coast on a one day business trip.  These trips are not fun as I spend much of a day getting there (typically a Sunday), then most of the next day in a meeting, and then fly home the same day. By the time I get home on the second day, I have been up 21 hours or more and my body has no idea of what time it is.

After my confident Las Vegas trip I thought that it would be great to make the flight in girl mode. It would make the long trip a little more enjoyable and is something I have always wanted to do.  It seemed like a safe thing to do. The odds of running into someone I know are relatively small since my destination was not one where my business associates typically go. I felt I could get past TSA security without problems. I even got an aisle seat which meant I only had to sit next to one person. It all seemed good.

I selected casual girl clothes for the trip as virtually no woman dresses up for a long, Sunday flight. I picked a T-shirt, jeans, and low heel boots. I used a smaller purse that would fit into my computer case. I got my wig, padding, and makeup already to go. I allocated enough time to change at the airport. I was all set to go.

I arrived at the airport, parked in the parking garage, changed clothes, and sat there. I couldn’t do the full girl mode. I left my wig, forms, purse,etc in my suit case and walked to the terminal. My one concession was to wear the tshirt/jeans/boots I had picked for the trips as they were relatively androgynous. I went through security without a problem but felt really disappointed in myself for chickening out.

I tried to convince myself that I had a good reason for skipping full girl mode.

  • My computer bag is not very feminine and it would be strange for a woman to use it.
  • I would be sitting next to the same people for 6 hours and they might  react badly to me.
  • How would I get my rental car at my destination?
  • What if the flight was delayed hours and I needed to shave?
  • I might run into someone I knew
  • Why waste an opportunity to get through TSA security easily.

You get the idea..mostly pretty bad rationalizations. The reality is that I was fearful that someone would react badly to me (or even just say something)  and I let that fear control my actions.  I really disappointed myself.

On the way home I had the same debate with myself with the same result and the same sense of disappointment with myself. However on the trip back the universe decided to punish me for giving into my  fears. Since I was not wearing my breast forms, they were packed in my carryon suitcase that went through the TSA X-ray machine. I have done this many times and never had a problem. This time some observant X-ray technician decided that they looked suspicious and called out my bag for closer inspection. A young male TSA agent took my bag to the inspection area while I waited in front of him. He unzipped my bag, poked around until he found the suspicious items, and took them out. I keep my forms in a soft blue bag to protect them and so it was easy to see when he found them. He took the forms out and inspected them with a slight look of puzzlement on his face. He wiped them down with the explosive pad and fed it into  a machine for analysis. During this time I stood there trying to look bored and nonchalant while making up stories in my head to explain to him what they were doing in my bag (“they are extra ones for my wife”, “I am carrying samples”, etc..). Fortuantely the machine did not find explosive residue on them and so I was cleared to go. He packed them back into my suitcase and handed it back to me with a “thank you sir”. I slowly walked away and never looked back.

It occurred to me that going through TSA security in girl mode would probably have been less embarrassing. Still I did not change into full girl mode, although I still wore the same Tshirt, jeans, and boots outfit for the flight home (though I did change my shirt!!)

In thinking this over I realized that for many of us “part time” girls,  these fears are something that we must continually deal with. Everytime we go out in girl mode, we must face the fears and get past them. Just because we went out yesterday and everything went okay does not mean today will be the same. Even though I have been out hundreds, or even thousands of time, I still worry a little when I open the door to go out or when I encounter the first person. Once out, I am okay and everything goes well but there is always the little voice of fear. Hence there is always the temptation to just stay in our comfort zone of places, activities, people, etc. rather than push to have a full life,  albeit part time.  I tell myself I want to have that full life even if it involves overcoming some fears. I just get disappointed in myself when I give in to those fears.


For those of you waiting to read part 2 of my Vegas trip, I will post it later this week. Sorry for the delay.






1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Beth
    Mar 07, 2017 @ 01:51:19

    I completely understand. I have chickened out, several times, on being myself. And I am so disappointed in myself each time. And others can say that I am hiding behind male privilege, and to some degree that may be true. But honestly it is about hiding behind what is familiar. You may hate the basement, how it feels and the darkness, but when a tornado comes, you’ll find yourself there. The mask is hard to leave only because it is familiar, eventually it won’t be, take it easy on yourself.


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